Snippet of Interview with Active NJ Heroin User

Snippet of a transcription from the archives of an ongoing (or forever incomplete) Buffalo Chips audiovisual documentary on the heroin epidemic in New Jersey:

I am high and I want to die. I don’t want to die but really I do I’m afraid I can’t stop. The heroin the horse the scag. And if I do stop oh if I do stop then what. Then what will I be without the H like a norm-o a reggo Eggo then what’ll I do. Have to get a job I can’t work forget working I’m a junkie a loser like I punched my mother in the stomach how could I hand somebody back the change for their groceries and say “Have a nice day” when I’ve stolen my mom’s purse. And then carried it around to use the credit card to buy that jewelry that pretty golden diamond necklace that sparkled in that sunlight I would hide from. How pretty that was how was it that pretty. How I hated to hand that to the pawn shop for half the price I paid on my mother’s credit card like a quarter of the price I couldn’t smile at a customer and wish them a happy day and genuinely mean it I couldn’t care about a stranger what have they done for me. If they knew who I was they wouldn’t hand me their money.

I can’t do that no way I can’t do that I would be regular those people like the people like you the people who are filming this they’re the people. You’re the people. Who can care and love and like want to have children you have that part of your heart installed the right way I don’t. Look at me I don’t have a heart like you have a heart. You probably have people you seriously love like you’d hurt yourself to protect. Yeah I can see it in your eyes you do. I bet you love your wife so badly you’d organ donate your thinking brain to her to keep her alive. Like kill yourself to make sure she’s live alive. I am not like that I want to sell my organs at that pawn shop like I would sell my kidney there if they would take my kidney but they don’t I asked. They did take my little brother’s laptop it was a Mac and it had his final paper on it for his college essay that’s what he told me but they gave me a good price on it like seriously good and I got seriously high that’s what I am I can’t stop getting high you wouldn’t know if you haven’t tried it the world isn’t the same after you’ve ridden the horse you won’t be able to go back to your wife and love her the same way love doesn’t feel as good once you’ve ridden the horse life doesn’t feel as good. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. Because I can’t do it I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m explaining to you I just want to go.

Yeah I’ll go now I’ve given you what you wanted but do you have any money for the homeless I don’t have a roof I don’t have that part of the heart like you people do. Like you do Mr. Interviewer don’t you have any change like a spare dollar spare nickel I’ll take anything I’ll take whatever you have whatever you can give. Mr. I’ll take please I’ll take it please I’ll take it please I’ll please please please please please please please please I don’t want to die please please please Mr. Please.

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