A group of first graders was arrested yesterday for illegally growing fruits and vegetables near the playground behind Hawkeye Elementary School in Marlboro, New Jersey. A local resident alerted the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) after the first graders distributed their initial crops, consisting of small amounts of tomatoes, potatoes, and cucumbers, among their classmates as well as the rest of the elementary school.
“When my son Robert came home from school holding a cucumber, I knew something felt off,” said Mrs. Tiffany Hubert, the Marlboro mother that’s taken credit for reaching out to the FDA. “My first thought was, ‘Is this cucumber free trade?’ My second thought was, ‘I doubt these first graders have contacted the proper authorities to inspect their food.”
The first graders will most likely be released on probation for violation of the Food Safety Modernization Act (FSMA). Most mothers and fathers refused to share their opinion on their kids’ legal proceedings, except for Jack Grundower. “I think my son needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions. This’ll also be a warning for him to think before automatically following an authority figure’s orders,” Grundower said before using the shoulder of his Pink Floyd t-shirt to wipe sweat from his forehead.
The principal of Hawkeye Elementary School addressed the township of Marlboro, saying the children and their teacher, Mr. Winelli, will be brought to justice, particularly Winelli for breaking child labor laws. Marlboro’s Chief of Police Justin Fortwallace spoke after the principal, declaring that children’s lemonade stands and bake sales will not be tolerated in the coming months if those stands and sales aren’t properly accredited and up-to-date on their licensing. “Those are small business that must be registered, kids,”* Chief Fortwallace said to the sizeable crowd. “You have to claim the income you make from them on your taxes. If you don’t, you will be caught, and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Let what happened to the first graders be a lesson to you.”
The FDA’s foodstuffs investigators did indeed find that the first graders’ fruits and vegetables were dangerously tainted with both traces of radon and fecal matter. An analysis of the site of the fruit and vegetable garden yielded that Hawkeye Elementary School had been built on top of one of Marlboro’s aged sewage dumps. The contractors responsible for inspecting the land before the elementary school’s construction had since diversified their company holdings into low-income housing real estate and industrial fracking machinery, and therefore couldn’t be found for comment.
*Children in the real, non-satirical world have been penalized under such regulations. Read about one incident in Texas involving a seven- and eight-year-old pair of sisters here.