Blogger Who Has Zero Consistent Readers Refuses to Stop Blogging

“I can’t stop. It’s become a compulsion. I also have this feeling that someday someone really important, like a literary agent, is going to find my blog and I’ll make it big,” said a white male blogger, age 25, who wanted to remain nameless in this article. “I want to remain nameless so my work can speak for itself. You know, without the influence of my character or prestige.”

The anonymous blogger responded to the interview questions while in bed, fully dressed yet under the covers from the waist down, making the Buffalo Chips interviewer somewhat uncomfortable. “It’s where I do my best writing,” the blogger said to defend himself. The interviewer sat in the blogger’s unused desk chair next to a small bookshelf full of books they presumed the blogger never read yet certainly planned to read at some undefined time in the future.

When asked why he doesn’t do more to promote his blog, the blogger replied, “I don’t want to force it upon readers. I want them to come to me. I know they have time in their full lives to spend approximately eight minutes reading a satirical article I wrote, and I know they’ll eventually see how important my thoughts are when my headlines flash past in their Facebook News Feed. I want them to admit how important I am without my direct involvement.”

The interviewer next asked the blogger about the view counts on his most recent blog posts. The blogger readjusted himself in bed and said, “I’m glad you asked. My most recent piece got one read. One. It compares the bill repealing Obamacare to class genocide. The article before that was on the hypocrisy of the laws restricting ex-convicts’ lives. The ex-con article got all of two reads. But then, before those two blog posts, I blogged about an uncircumcised penis. That got 38 reads. 38! Is that because it was my uncircumcised penis? It might’ve been. I don’t know anymore.”

“Numbers may not lie,” the blogger added, “but that doesn’t mean I have to listen to the truth they’re telling. I have to believe people care about me and my perspective. Otherwise all my blogging will have been for nothing, and this thin veneer of self-confidence and fulfillment I’ve created will be pulled away like a spider’s web in a breeze. A breeze that’s kind of strong, like of above average strength, but not so strong that it’s notable to two people walking and talking on the street in the path of the breeze. What’s behind that spider’s web I’ve weaved? Or is it woven? I don’t want to know. I’ve been working on my similes, by the way. I think it shows.”

The Buffalo Chips interviewer assured the blogger they had a time-sensitive appointment to get to when the blogger requested a separate Q&A dedicated to a novel he’d never start and/or finish.


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