A Buffalo Chips investigative journalist recorded an important phone conversation while working their other, better-paying job as a custodian at a country club. Recognizing the potential illegality of the recording, said journalist requested that they remain anonymous and entirely gender neutral in the paragraphs that follow.
The journalist’s recordings revealed a rare moment of candid honesty from a Republican blue chip investor. The investor was alone in the country club’s dining area. Likely due to his perceived privacy, the investor not only admitted his role in bribing members of the House of Representatives to pass the bill to repeal Obamacare (“What’s a few hundred thousand per GOP rep? Chump change.”), but revealed their motives for doing so.
The recording of the phone call begins with, “We [i.e. extremely rich Republicans] have already targeted poor people of color with crack cocaine, institutional racism, and the mass incarceration of so many families’ parental figures. They even found out we were poisoning them with heavy metals in their tap water. But at last week’s Illuminati meeting, we decided we have to extend our efforts to all people that are poor in the United States. We don’t want to be overtly racist anymore. Poor people everywhere need to die and disappear like the inferior subspecies they are, and we want to help guide that process. We’re saving their unborn children from a lifetime of impoverished suffering.”
From what the Buffalo Chips journalist-custodian gathered while scraping lobster shells and discarded golden jewelry from the dining room’s tablecloths, the investor was speaking frankly to their niece, or to the prepubescent voice of their nephew. The recorded phone call continued:
“We’re powerful enough to act as the force of evolution. We know we’re God’s favorites. Look at how symmetrical our faces are. Look at our property holdings. Then look at ebonics, trailer parks, and hot dogs. Honestly now, who does God like better? It’s our duty to kill off the poor in the most politically difficult-to-prove manner possible.”
At this juncture in the conversation, the journalist-custodian reported they moved closer to the investor to mop up the puddles of champagne he was gratuitously spilling on the floor, sometimes missing his glass entirely when pouring from the bottle. They were able to pick up one of the niece/nephew’s questions over the phone, which was, “But Uncle Geoffrey [name altered for legal purposes], that sounds like genocide.”
“The word ‘genocide’ has always had such a negative stigma,” the investor replied, lifting his crocodile Brioni dress shoes over the arc of the journalist-custodian’s mop. “Think of this healthcare reform as a joyous class cleansing. Everyone will be happier in the long-run. And besides, we’ll keep the illegals around. We aren’t stupid.”
The investor, having heard of the recording’s release, continues to insist it’s fabricated. Buffalo Chips has since learned that the journalist-custodian whom leaked the recording has been captured and trapped in an underground maze somewhere in Guantánamo Bay.