U.S. SUPREME COURT CREATES NEW LAWS TO GOVERN EX-CONVICTS

During a patch of boredom in between case hearings, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that ex-convicts, although free from jails and/or prisons, were “a little more free than they needed to be.” The epiphany produced new legal stipulations that would act in conjunction with the already restrictive laws governing the treatment of ex-convicts. The updated restrictions are as follows…

EX-CONVICTS ARE PROHIBITED FROM THE FOLLOWING BY LAW:

To rent or buy property or living spaces in the vicinity of public school zones.

To have teachers teach them for educational purposes, without official federal approval (W/OOFA).

To raise their voices for argumentative purposes.

To raise their voices to communicate with persons fewer than eight paces away. (Distance of a “pace” officially measured 30 inches by CIA verdict.)

To gaze pensively at the moon, sun, or any other massive orbs in the region of the sky or horizon, before or after dusk. (Deemed “Arguably Premeditated Loitering”.)

To be physically present within ten yards of any children.

To give birth to or father any children, W/OOFA.

To have sex, W/OOFA.

To masturbate, W/OOFA.

To participate in a bake sale, W/OOFA.

To pet someone else’s pet, W/OOFA.

To be pet as if the ex-convicts are themselves a pet. (See “To have sex, W/OOFA.”)

To shake hands with another human being, be that human being dead or alive, W/OOFA.

To ask questions of any non-ex-convict, W/OOFA.

To speak to/with any convict or ex-convict. (Deemed “Conspiracy”.)

To otherwise live as any non-ex-convict might live, in case an unsuspecting non-ex-convict may be misled into believing any ex-convicts are, au contrare, non-ex-convicts.

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN RE-CONVICTING THE OFFENDING EX-CONVICTS TO TURN THEM BACK INTO CONVICTS, A.K.A EX-EX-CONVICTS.

The Supreme Court felt it had met its daily goal of increasing recidivism, and was proud to say it had done so before the end of lunch.

 

[Photo pirated from a news story entitled “Dearborn County, Indiana: A Microcosm for America’s Prison Problem”.]

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