TALE OF AN UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS

The uncircumcised penis (UP) did not know it was uncircumcised. The UP’s lack of this awareness came from the presumption that all other penises in the pants of all other men and boys looked just like it did: wrapped in a flesh coat its host could peel back when needed, e.g. to pee. Other necessary times to peel back the foreskin came from the directives of the host’s parents and elementary school health teachers. They warned the UP’s host directly and indirectly of the fungal and bacterial infections that UPs were at risk for if satisfactory hygiene wasn’t maintained. The UP basked in the peaceful moments when the shower’s hot water spilled over its head. The roughness of the scrubbing loofa wasn’t nearly as pleasant, but the UP had to stay clean. Balanitis and UTIs were for lesser, weaker, perhaps tinier uncircumcised penises.

A friend’s comment in a group of five or six other penis-having friends was the first straightforward cultural information that told the UP its place in the penile minority. “Yeah, not drinking is like not being circumcised. And everyone here is circumcised, right?” the friend asked, addressing the group. Steady, manhood-affirming agreement arose in response to the question, including from the UP’s host. The UP felt betrayed that it was suddenly a source of its host’s reality-denying shame. To defend its honor, the UP dismissed the group along with its own host as sophomoric, picking that term not in the least because the group consisted of all sophomores in high school.

From its recent growth in length and bulk, the UP had been getting special attention in the two months prior to that friend’s damning comment. The host’s attentions were not quite admiration, that is besides the host’s private fantasies of his UP continuing to grow to longer, intimidating lengths that would cause unforgettable orgasms in countless gorgeous girls throughout his lifetime. The majority of the host’s attention to his UP (outside of jerking off) was actually due to the UP outgrowing its foreskin sheath. The host’s now bigger penis would thus of its own volition burst forth from the foreskin to rub against the cloth of the host’s boxers. Since the penis underneath the foreskin was very sensitive to touch, having been protected by a foreskin nearly 24 hours a day for sixteen years, the resultant frictional sensations of naked-penis-against-underwear brought the UP’s hormone-addled host to extreme levels of self-consciousness for approximately 4.32 straight months during his sophomore year.

Considering its host’s adolescent-variety discomfort, the UP found itself sympathetic to the denial of UP’s uncircumcision in that group setting. The UP’s sympathy deepened as it recalled a field trip bus ride when its host was in eighth grade. The prepubescent host was talking to a girl about pubic hair. Naïve to puberty’s hairier details, the host told the girl his pubic hair was blonde, obviously mistaken that the barely perceptible hairs on his skin down there were in fact his pubes. The UP could do nothing to stop its brunette host from revealing his naiveté, but it respected how he handled the girl’s line of questions about his mismatched curtain-drapes situation.

These were only the beginnings of the host’s developmentally-delayed-confusions and penile-minority-anxieties. The host’s uncovered penis’s sensitivity also presented other problems, specifically when it came to stamina during intercourse. Both host and UP can now laugh when remembering one of the host’s first attempts at sex, like actual “it’s in there” sex, when the UP’s foreskin-less head peeked into its host’s girlfriend’s vagina and instantly seized with orgasm. The host pulled out just in time to avoid any repercussions of premature ejaculation worse than paralytic embarrassment. A late-blooming puberty and the usual quirks accompanying most UPs resulted in more memorable one-liners that rattled in the host’s skull, waiting to surface when insecurity struck.

From an ex-girlfriend after the host’s failed attempt at reconnecting: “Shut up and go get circumcised, loser.”

From a friend the host shared a shower with in Long Beach Island: “Why don’t you just hit puberty already?”

From Elaine on Seinfeld, describing uncircumcised penis(es) she’d seen while backed by laughter from a studio audience: “It had no face, no personality. It was a like a Martian.”

The host’s UP took these insults in stride, proud of its foreskin and comfortable in its rate of development. The host, however, struggled. Ghosts of premature ejaculations floated overhead when a never-before-seen girl pulled his penis out for an impromptu handjob in the corner of a hallway during a house party. Elaine from Seinfeld’s voice echoed off the walls when dorm room lights stayed on for a sexual encounter where his UP would be in full view of his partner while in-hand or in-mouth. “It had no face…” Fear in public showers, paranoia at urinals. Even though the UP looked like a circumcised penis when it was erect, the UP felt unwanted. Worse yet, it felt unloved. The UP contemplated detachment from the host. It could drop off the host in the middle of the night and crawl off like a caterpillar under the door to his dorm. It could take the elevator in Campbell Hall and find steady work as a prosthetic. Yes, a prosthetic penis for an elderly man who’d fallen victim to permanent ED, unreachable by miracle pills like Viagra. It could make a life for itself, a life apart from its ungrateful host.

But the UP knew it could never abandon the boy that had cherished him and nurtured him despite his cripplingly low penis-esteem. The UP thought to itself how through it all, the host could’ve perceived the many penis-centric setbacks that befell him as traitorous, and yet he did not. Through it all, the host never forgot to pull the UP’s foreskin back in the shower for a soapy cleansing. The UP knew deep in its veins that its host’s conscientiousness made the UP’s loyalty unflappable.

Around the host’s 23rd year of living uncircumcised, the UP sensed a psychosexual shift. When the host was naked he no longer had a nagging image of himself as that baby-faced and barely five-foot-one fifteen-year-old. The UP recognized a new respect in its host’s gaze as he pulled the UP out for a masturbation session. That year the sessions always had to be as quick as they were quiet in a small house where four other roommates, three of them weightlifters and frequent defecators, shared a single bathroom. But even for all its quickness and the rush with which he shoved his half-flaccid UP back into his jeans, the UP could feel its host’s pride in his uncircumcised penis. The host had a sense of ownership over his member that UP never sensed before. Beaming, its one-eye just barely able to watch the clump of damp toilet paper get tossed into the toilet, the UP finally felt that it was loved for what it truly was: a penis as God originally intended it. Protected by a foreskin meant to save the occasionally hard albeit perpetually vulnerable penis head from unwanted harm. The UP chuckled to itself as its muscles relaxed and its host went about his day. Some things take longer to appreciate than others, I guess, the UP concluded, wiping post-ejaculate on the inside of the host’s boxer briefs, feeling like a shaft made anew.

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