Historian Ian Paster, 25, works for the New-York Historical Society. He’s specialized in uncovering the roots of Christianity’s central figure Jesus Christ for nearly two whole years, and after extensive cross-referencing, decoding, and the categorization of hundreds of thousands of Google Images, Paster determined a new fact about Jesus’ existence.
“Jesus was alive, yes,” said Paster, “but more than being merely alive, Jesus existed in multiple geographic areas simultaneously. He had many different ethnic identities all at the same time. The Google Image evidence is undeniable.”
Bi-location, or in the case of Paster’s theory of Jesus, multi-location, is a spiritual capability that allows practitioners to exist in more than one place at once. Bi- and multi-location has been recorded in multiple religious disciplines, leading Paster to believe that this capability was one of the secrets to Jesus’ success. Paster elaborated, “It’s every work-a-holic’s dream: using a clone to handle their unfinished business. Jesus could restore sight to a blind man in the Middle East and exorcise a demon from a young girl in modern-day China at the same damn time, because He was Chinese and Middle Eastern at the same damn time. Please pardon me for saying ‘damn’. I get excited sometimes and sin.”
Paster credits his recent findings to the stellar Wi-Fi available on-site at the New-York Historical Society building. “I wouldn’t have been able to make this breakthrough without the NYHS’s incredible bandwidth. I’m eternally grateful to them, like I am to the Good Lord our God.”
Although Paster is himself a practicing Christian, the announcement of his discovery received a significant amount of flak from the Christian community. “The death threats I’ve gotten from my fellow Christians are very creative,” Paster reflected, with a hint of admiration. “The only explanation for how comprehensive and frightening the threats on my life have been is that they’re divinely inspired. How else could somebody order me to tie a lead cross around my neck and drown in a bathtub full of holy water? God must have had His hand in that idea. He must have.”
Buffalo Chips’ interviewers attempted to leave Paster’s office after their list of questions was complete, but Paster had one final request. He asked for a last quotation, of his own choosing, to make use of Buffalo Chips’ platform. Paster’s quotation was the following:
“To the individuals that claim my findings are heretical, I say in no uncertain terms, f*ck off. I think it’s heretical to believe Jesus couldn’t multi-locate. This is the Son of God, people. Jesus could’ve been Superman if it was God’s will. To doubt His powers, that’s what’s blasphemous. Also, I don’t think it’s a reach to assume Jesus and God would’ve known the market value of Jesus’ various ethnicities. That helped Them to better spread the Jesus brand. Korean Jesus, Middle Eastern Jesus, Aryan Jesus – together They make everyone happy. The more ethnically inclusive Jesus could be, the better. And if you haven’t noticed, They’ve certainly reaped the rewards for Their salesmanship.”
Paster bid the interviewers adieu and said he hoped the Christian media would quit crucifying him soon. “Consider my findings. Imagine how many Jesuses they would’ve had to crucify back in the day. Or would it be ‘Jesi’? Like ‘cacti’? Either way, that’s a whole lot of crosses.”