Oklahoma’s new abortion bill has passed into law. To repeat, the contentious Oklahoma abortion bill that forces pregnant women to receive written consent from their impregnators before they can abort has actually been passed into law. For many citizens, the abortion bill was considered unconstitutional on the basis of Due Process as enforced in 1973’s Roe v. Wade and 1992’s Planned Parenthood v. Casey. And yet, that said, however, the bill has passed.
“Look, it’s not that bad,” said Oklahoma resident Daniel Grimpo, age 51. “The abortion law doesn’t apply to rape or incest, so it’s really not that horrible for women. I know we men aren’t sweatin’ it at all, that’s for sure.”
Many Oklahoma men side with Grimpo and claim the bill’s passing into law won’t affect them whatsoever. Roddy Buttin, age 30, agrees that the abortion law won’t influence his sexual exploits. “Hell no I don’t want a kid. I’ve already printed out hundreds of copies of the abortion consent forms and distributed them to the straight men in my town, whether they’re single or married. I want them to be prepared for the worst-case scenario.”
Other men like Timothy Tambu, age 32, see the new abortion law as an opportunity to ensure his long-term relationship survives its recent storms. “Susan and I have been faltering lately, you know, fighting a bunch. But I think a child is just what we need to reaffirm our commitment to one another. I poked holes in our condoms and I switched Susan’s birth control pills out with placebos. Now all we have to do is wait,” Tambu said. He crossed his fingers and showed the interviewers a punctured condom he pulled out of his wallet.
The women of Oklahoma haven’t responded to the abortion bill with the same indifference. “The bill labeled us as ‘hosts’,” said Gertie Hottentot, 36, who interviewers met at a demonstration held to speak out against the bill-made-law. “Hosts, huh? How about I host my foot against Representative Justin Humphrey’s nut-sack?”
Hottentot said she’s quelled her political anger to develop a nonviolent and “much more effective” approach to protesting the new abortion restrictions. “My team and I are on a mission to tell Oklahoma’s women that if we don’t have the full say over our bodies, then men aren’t going to have any type of say either. We as women are going fully abstinent until the new abortion law is repealed. You hear that, men? No sex!” Hottentot shouted at a passing male pedestrian.
Hottentot and her team of pro-choicers has thoroughly considered the ins and outs of their call to abstinence. “We as a unit figured the easiest way to get straight men to join us in protest was to deprive them of their ultimate goal in life, which, as we all know, is to stick their d*cks in our vaginas. Many reporters are asking us if we’re concerned that incidents of rape will increase, but we aren’t. Women can have concealed carry permits in Oklahoma. There’s no law against that yet. Put your d*ck near me and pow!” laughed Hottentot, lifting the bottom of her shirt slightly to reveal a holstered .38 on her hip. “We’re also selling padlocked chastity belts at cost, for $10 each. We’re even selling ones for men who stand with us in solidarity. We named them ‘Titanium Banana Hammocks’. The female chastity belts have two different styles, the standard ‘Impenetrable Panty’ and the more risqué ‘Fort Knox Thong’.”
Two days into the mass commitment to abstinence, Oklahoma’s number of Internet porn viewers had already skyrocketed. An increase in public masturbation arrests and higher incidents of male homosexuality were among the other statistics that underwent noticeable change in those initial 48 hours.
Gary Munn and Tad Horstoffer, both aged 22, contributed to the rise in male homosexuality, albeit only on paper. Munn and Horstoffer assured the interviewers that their physical intimacy was “not gay in the slightest.” Horstoffer clarified: “Tad and I have both had many girlfriends, but we’re sodomizing one another once to four times a day as a political response to the female irrationality that founded the no-sex pact. We’re fighting back against the fact that we can’t have sex with any women. Honestly, nothing could be more straight.” Munn nodded along emphatically with Horstoffer’s rationale. When asked why they were holding hands, Munn and Horstoffer flinched away from each other and declined to comment.
The intercourse boycott is only the beginning for Gertie Hottentot. “We’re also pushing for a ‘Be a Real Dad’ bill to punish the fathers that become absentees once they face the full reality of raising a child. The bill would put them in jail, force them to go to their jobs under the supervision of a correctional officer, and then return them to jail right when their work day is over. Their wages would be appropriately garnished. Additionally, the bill will have enforced multi-hour play-times so fathers can be the Dads they’re supposed to be. Watch what happens,” Hottentot said. “Once those worthless men who refuse to consent to abortions have to be fathers, they’ll be lobbying for this bill’s repeal their own damn selves.” Hottentot laughed some more and asked, “What’s your waist size? I know we have a chastity belt that’ll fit you. Come with me, and hurry up. They’re selling fast.”