Alt-Right Medical Breakthrough to Improve U.S. Security

Around two weeks after the Trump administration announced its “temporary” restrictions on traveling and immigration, the Alt-Right medical community released a brand-new innovation that would bar even more Muslims from entering the U.S. of A: blood tests that confirm individuals as followers of Islam. Alt-Right phlebotomy researcher Joseph Envole was happy to explain how he discovered the unique results of the blood test used to diagnose sickle cell anemia.

From his office in the Iowa Medical Resurgence Group, Envole described how “a light-skinned Afghani man, who was very, very light-skinned, un-bearded, and without a turban” entered one of the Red Cross medical tents he volunteers in on weekends. “We examined his red blood cells, and the crescent-shaped cells standard to cases of sickle cell were present. When we looked closer, there were also tiny five-point stars in the empty space of each crescent. We were amazed, but also unsurprised.” In pondering how this discovery came so late in medical history, Envole ventured the guess that medical professionals “really only test blacks for sickle cell. That’s why it took us this long to find the crescents and the stars. The blacks had their whole Nation of Islam movement, but that was posturing. This test finds the real Muslims.”

Envole presented his findings directly to Steven Bannon via the hotline 1-800-OUR-USA-1, framing the blood tests as the perfect countermeasure to Middle Eastern terrorists whom might, for one reason or another, lie to immigration officials and say they aren’t Muslims. “Or worse, they could lie and say they’re Christian,” Envole added. Envole’s testimony was that “Bannon had trouble finding media sources willing to report on the blood test since he himself commanded the nation’s entire news sector to ‘keep its mouth shut.’” Envole was undeterred. He managed to create portable red blood cell scanners paid for by the frozen and what he deemed now “up-for-grabs” EPA funds. The blood scanners resemble 3rd generation iPod Nanos. They require only skin-to-skin contact and the press of a single button to take a blood sample. “This is a matter of national security,” Envole said with fervor. “Traditional medical consent is suspended. Any Muslim could be a terrorist, and therefore all Muslims are terrorists, maybe. I urge the pedestrians who I’ve given scanners to test on sight and at will.”

Envole is also in R&D for blood tests that can identify undocumented immigrants. “We really only have the Latinos around [Iowa], and so far the majority of their blood cells just look like burritos. There’s no variation to account for citizenship status. It only helps us determine vague geographic origins when the blood cells’ appearance is more taco-like, or, for example, reminiscent of empanadas.” He was willing to describe how he recruited his subject pool of suspected undocumented immigrants. “I made an ad online that said we’d provide green cards if they consented to have their blood drawn. Craigslist is incredible. The green cards we gave them were fake, of course.” When questioned on the ethics of his false form of payment, Envole replied, “Look. If they were truly U.S. citizens, they’d have noticed the green card was a fake before we ran the tests. Plus, we let them go after we tested their blood without calling ICE. Is that not enough of a payment in and of itself?”

Two days before Enovle’s interview, one of his nurses presented him a fake green card she found on the ground in the research facility. In her Iowan accent, she surmised, “Someone must’ve dropped it.” Later that same day, one of the guest researchers at the facility named Ernest Valdrián, a visiting neurological specialist from Venezuela, was detained. After several hours of intense interrogation, the facility’s security learned the retrieved green card was Valdrián’s. “In their defense,” Envole declared, “The name ‘Ernest Valdrián’ sounds made-up.” Valdrián withdrew his services from the Iowa Medical Resurgence Group immediately after he was released from detainment.

“Irregardless,” Envole said, rising from his rolling desk chair, “the Alt-Right medical scientists are committed to this cause. We’ll keep out one true threat with these blood scans, a true terroristic threat consisting of true Muslims. Probably. Wait two weeks to hear our Reproduction Department’s announcement about steeling woman’s wombs to make their children impossible to abort. Alas, I may have revealed too much already.”


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